Thursday, May 21, 2009

To my first born

Loving Two

I walk around holding your 3 year old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I cant", knowing in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you.

I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and almost feeling guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him-- as though I'm betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are setting into a new routine. The memory of days just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times, only now, we are three.

I watch the look between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you-- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.

I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you-- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you will never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you-- you each have your own supply. I love you-- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
My Jack,

I love you, my precious little boy. You amaze me every day with your tender heart, keen sense of humor, brilliant mind, and beautiful soul. I cannot say that the past few months have been easy on either of us. There have been a lot of times when I haven't been able to play, or hold you, or give you the attention you need. But I hope you remember all the times we have spent together. Lots of times spent with Candy Land, baking cookies, train races, little afternoon trips with just us two, and snuggling. Thank you for making this huge transition as smooth as possible. You are a trooper. I love you to the ends of the earth and back. Thank you for making me a Mama.

Love forever,


1 comment:

rebecca said...

Oh goodness! How this made me cry! My little boy was 2 years and 4 months when I had my daughter. It was so hard for my little man in the beginning so I can totally relate to your feelings.
They are now 4 and 21 months and are fast becoming good friends!